about me being a fucking loser

Look, and before we get into it, I want to disclose details: I am not a nerd. I’m not nerdy and I in fact don’t think nerds are necessarily losers, in fact, nerds fucking rule the world and they have been getting bitches ever since ever.

Like, fr why am I such a loser? literally and also figuratively. Like, I’m always losing my shit and my shit. lmao I’m always losing my temper and also my possesions, like why tf do i do that? maybe its bc i fucking hate it that i do it so much, or more like i do it so much i fucking hate it.

As for the figurative way to use the word “loser”: I’m so stupid. Like, why don’t I drink? Why haven’t I managed to pull anyone?? Yeah, I enjoy most of my time online and not even in cool places like tiktok but fucking twitter. Like atp i should be thankful im not on facebook but if i keep going down this road, im gonna ebd up on fucking deviantart.
I’m a 22 year old that hasn’t kissed anyone, I haven’t dated anyone. Isn’t that so weird and twisted to you? It should not be allowed. Before i know it, i’m gonna be not a loser but a freak bc of it: I’m gonna be thirty and still not have kissed anyone. which is just weird to me.

Look, i have two friends who are like my main bitches, we’re the friends, you know? one of them is gay but didnt know/say until a highschool freshman and he’s very big and clumsy, one of those stupidly strong people. his spits sometimes gets on you when spaking directly to him. Yeah. Him? I’ve seen him literally snogging a dude at some( not even a party but a) fucking get together. Like, right beside me. it was traumatizing. hes told be stories abt being kissed on the neck? like fuck this actually!!! why is he getting game?

the other friend was mistaken for being gay for more than 10 years just bc he likes lady gaga a lot and also played w me at being witches from a tv show w me. like literally why does the dude have friends to go out with on fridays? like fr??? idk abt his dating history but i mean, just the having friends bit is bewildering to me. somehow these two bitches turned out normal and im here sitting at home somehow not doing anything successful for my carreer’s well being. like i kid you not, the first friend is in france rn living a dream life country hopping bc europe and im here like: yes, im poor but my poor friend is also abroad studying english, like istg if theres anything that irks me is her going to london to study english like???? i do know english, why am i not in london??

Okay, so background for me being a fucking loser:

• I’m super fucking shy and socially anxious and just you knwo general anxiety disorder. oh and just chronic depression and insomnia and just awful self esteem.
• I’m fucking broke and not in a fun cute quirky jokey way. Like theres people that are definitely wayyy more broke than me but i mean, even just buying a plane ticket to fuckign europe would leave me in debt. i may not be that broke, but
• My dad got sick when I was 14 years old. Okayyyy…. tragic, riight?
• and then he died when I was 16.

which allowed me to be really really for real broke when I was supposed to be rich for my mental health well being. so i was a teen with really limited time, moneya nd energy to do anything, let alone have fun and like, you know, do what you’r supposed to do at that age: to find yourself.
it was a fucking awful time and i was failing school and wearing ugly clothes bc they were all that i had and just ugh. i hate blaming everything on this time in my life because its like im fucking 22 years old now. like fucking get over it. but theres just this capacity to the brain to scar. so its like, okay, yes yure fully healed, the wound is closed but the scar is fucking just so nasty. and so evident, so there, in your face every where. so annoying.

so why am i a loser because i was broke both financially and emotionally during my teens? because i still suffer from that even if the chapter is over and no longer my reality. because i spent so long being alone during that time, now its what i enjoy most. because i had so little money back then that even though i have some money to spend now, i dont really want to and im afraid to do so. because i was so weird to everyone else that no onw approached me to invite me to the most small insignificat things like going for a snack after school, so i just got used to it. i was so weird that i repelled people (trust me, i have video evidence) and even became some sort of joke. who would be interested in any way in a people repeller joke?

i never got invited to parties, so i dont know how to behave at parties so i despise them. stuff happens at parties, stuff happens going for a snack after school. stuff happens revising for finals but i wasnt even invited to because i was failing school and if someone had had, i wouldve said no because i also just happen to study better alone. also that took place in a coffeeshop and reasons one and two (social anxiety and being low on money) apply directly to that situation.

fuck this life, am i right?

like, genuinely. all that just built my interests to be spending time w myself. i like making youtube videos and singing even though i sing horribly. i now like spending time at home watching tv, scrolling on twitter. of course this just proves im more of a homebuddy but also, had i had the chance and the means to not be stuck at home while my personality was developing, maybe i would not prefer it to being surrounded w people.

so i never really stepped on that medium of going to europe and going out w freinds on a friday, i never got to experience that and now i dont think i ever will.

im very stubborn as well because of reason number one so i dont think i will ever be wild and free and be like: fuck it! lets go party! lets drop money on short term things and trips and not things that i need and are expensive and i would rather spend money on.

i have this very “growing-up-poor” (as Americans say) mentality so its like: fun? going to the movies? going out w friends? even just going out alone??no, we need to get a hard drive, and a fridge and food for the week and new contact lenses. oh, and new jeans. i used the pair i have so much theyre starting to be see through.

oh, yes and i think im a loser because of all these things. i wish i was kidding.

and theres also this post traumatic thing that’s like: ok, so that happened and somehow i made it through. now what.

so my life in general sometimes has this very empty tone of: why is my life not falling apart right now? like, normal inconveniences are practically invisible to me at this point. “oh no, we need to get the car fixed now. what a pain.” “at least no one is on the brink of death. whatever”

I’m a fucking loser bc my brain is ruled by post traumatic conformation with ennui.

so, as a fucking loser, nothing good or fun or exciting, will ever happen to me because i always keep setting myself up for failure.

i’m shaking my fucking head right now.
it’s times like this that i ask myself “am i depressed?” and the answer is always “but i’m happy! i laugh a lot and have fun and yes, yes i am depressed. sure, i’ve been more depressed at othe times in my life. but that’s the thing about chronic depression: it never truly leaves. and no, i dont need to get diagnosed because my mother is a literal psychologist and sometimes her gemini nature just lets out the words “could it be that you’re depressed?”. so i do know i am depressed and….. yes. im fucked. my life is fucked and you know what? i have learnt to live happily with that fact, but sometimes, reality hits and you’re like: wow, this fucking sucks. and it’s true, it does.

“oh but trauma always is a source of inspiration” “you know the people that are fucked in the head are the best and the most creative and just so wonderous to me, an NPC” i’m sorry, jessica. but not me. i’m just the perfect blend of everything to be perfectly bland and boring. i suck.

wrote this is the span of like 1 hour and a half listening to strictly either counting stars, viva la vida and im still standing on an incognito tab on youtube, at 3–4 am. teared up like five times total.
but at least all this didnt make it to my diary :D but to the internet D:
oh and this is also not proofread at all, lol
Publish!